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Old 04-03-2020, 02:32 PM   #1
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Default I think you all could use a smile

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, You should have remained a virgin...'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt



<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have
a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

><>

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,

you'll become happy; If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough
to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought
a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness....
But it does bring you a more pleasant

form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

><>

Until I was thirteen,
I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

><>

I never drink water because of
the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields



<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down

if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..

But everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more,

and may nothing but happiness come through your door.
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Old 04-04-2020, 06:20 PM   #2
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...............................
Attached Thumbnails
I think you all could use a smile-80698168_2775879882479861_8120170516775436288_n.jpg  

I think you all could use a smile-74886457_10221289009037261_4453235659741593600_n.jpg  

I think you all could use a smile-birds.jpg  

I think you all could use a smile-img-20200401-wa0012.jpg  

I think you all could use a smile-upload_2020-4-2_14-39-23.png  

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Old 04-04-2020, 09:01 PM   #3
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https://studio.youtube.com/video/WX9YB_IqhD0/edit
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Old 04-04-2020, 09:26 PM   #4
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Quote:
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bad link..no worky.....
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Old 04-05-2020, 11:12 AM   #5
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Try this.
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Old 04-05-2020, 11:33 AM   #6
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Try this.
YouTube



nope..says video is private..next...............
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Old 04-05-2020, 11:46 AM   #7
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Rats! Now I have to figure how to make it public.
It would be a lot easier if this sight allowed a little more band width to attachments.
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Old 04-05-2020, 11:50 AM   #8
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Last try.
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Old 04-05-2020, 12:14 PM   #9
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SARCASM AT ITS BEST
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
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Old 04-07-2020, 06:44 PM   #10
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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying
calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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