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Old 02-24-2016, 01:52 AM   #691
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Old 02-25-2016, 01:12 AM   #692
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Thanks for the bump! I love going back a reading these again.
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Old 02-25-2016, 01:27 AM   #693
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A Good Plumber View Post
Thanks for the bump! I love going back a reading these again.
No problem. One can never laugh too much. 😅
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Old 02-25-2016, 07:42 AM   #694
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Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart.
> There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest
> retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the
> "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always
> feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this
> establishment.
>
> But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
>
> While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably
> in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
>
> "No," I replied.
>
> "Then why are you wearing that cap?"
>
> "Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
>
> I thought this was a snappy retort.
>
> "The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"
>
> God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936,"
> I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
>
> He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call
> it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
>
> "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
>
> This was beginning to be way too much fun!
>
> "Dude! Really?" he exclaimed.
>
> "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
>
> I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and
> in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the
> mission."
>
> "Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that
> is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
>
> "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
>
> The moron nodded knowingly.
>
> "Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone
> about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said
> anything."
>
> "Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's
> gonna happen if I do?"
>
> With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We
> wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
>
> The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the
> door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart
> attack, she was
> laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
>
> After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw the Dimwit
> leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight
> of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
>
> Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you'
> gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of
> the parking lot in
> a flurry of dust.
>
> What a great time I had!
>
> Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
>
> Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol
> hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
>
> Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
>

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Old 02-25-2016, 07:43 AM   #695
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.





America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.Abraham Lincoln


God Bless America
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Old 03-01-2016, 05:10 PM   #696
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BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by
this student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

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Old 03-03-2016, 01:53 PM   #697
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Just before they were due to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking!!" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
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Old 03-04-2016, 10:35 AM   #698
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Old 03-04-2016, 07:05 PM   #699
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Employee Notice For Old People ..

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided
to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age & above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs & reducing unemployment.





This scheme will be known as RAPE

(Retire Aged People Early).





Persons selected to be RAPEDcan apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).





Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTEDwill be reviewed under the SCREWprogram

(System Covering Retired-Early Workers).





A person may be RAPEDonce, SHAFTEDtwice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.





Persons who havebeenRAPEDcould get AIDS

(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES

(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).





Obviously persons who have AIDSor HERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.





Persons who are not RAPEDand are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.





Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has

been trained to give you all the ****you can handle.





Sincerely,



Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives

(E.V.I.L.)







P.S.: - Due to recent budget cuts & rising cost of electricity, gas & oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel, has been turned off.























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Old 03-10-2016, 09:39 PM   #700
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Girl is about to jump off a bridge when a bum approaches
He asks " before you jump can we have sex."
Girl responds " ew no gross"

Bum - " ok I'll just wait for you at the bottom"
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