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Old 11-28-2012, 09:43 PM   #601
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gettinit View Post
What are those?
Bullmastiff.
They usually run about 120 to 150 pounds.
Some breeders have been only breeding the really big ones.
I have a customer that has 3 of them and all of them are over 220 pounds !
https://www.google.com/search?q=big+...w=1280&bih=609
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Old 11-29-2012, 09:23 PM   #602
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Default It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to
put you into a trance;





I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience."





The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his
coat.





"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch.





It's been in my family for six
generations."





He began to swing the watch gently back and
forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch
the watch..."





The crowd became mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished
surface.



A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch until, suddenly, the chain broke;

it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.





"****!" said the hypnotist.







It took three days to clean up the Senior
Citizens Centre.







Claude was never invited
back
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Old 11-29-2012, 09:25 PM   #603
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Default Miranda Rights

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can and will be held against you."

The drunk says:

"Tits."
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Old 12-03-2012, 12:14 AM   #604
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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:27 AM   #605
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear........do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!!!!"
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Old 12-06-2012, 03:44 AM   #606
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Guy walks into a bar asks the bartender " do you want to hear a Polish joke?"

The bartender replies, " I'm Polish, see those 4 big guys playing pool? They are also Polish, do you want to tell your joke now?"

The man replies, " no, not if I have to explain it 5 freaking times."
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:56 AM   #607
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I knew a good one about Jonestown, but the punchline was too long.
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Old 12-06-2012, 11:14 AM   #608
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I'd tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me.
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:38 PM   #609
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Default Holiday Message - Not Many People Know This!

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Old 12-12-2012, 07:45 PM   #610
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Default A Christmas tear jerker

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry

store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that

diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would

get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said,

"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I 'm in the bar right next to it."
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