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Old 12-09-2008, 07:22 PM   #1
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy ,went to the
local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said' 'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish
woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to
confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed
the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can
easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for
your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:23 PM   #2
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A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright,

'T-G-I-F.'

He smiled at her and replied,

'S-H-I-T.'

She looked puzzled and repeated,

'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.

He again answered,

'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,

'T-G-I-F.'

The man smiled back to her and once again said,

'S-H-I-T.'

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'

The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means

'Sorry, Honey, it's Thursday'
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:24 PM   #3
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his
mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he 's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.

"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for
a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I
also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across
the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to
tell him, or should I?"
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Old 12-09-2008, 10:01 PM   #4
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I saw a septic tank pump truck today and on the back of the tank it said " DANGER- POLITICAL PROMISES INSIDE"
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:55 PM   #5
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a pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his crotch , the bar tender asks him why he has a steering wheel hanging there, he says " ARRRRRR, ITS DRIVIN' ME NUTS"
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Old 12-11-2008, 03:20 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by para1 View Post
I saw a septic tank pump truck today and on the back of the tank it said " DANGER- POLITICAL PROMISES INSIDE"
This one?





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Old 12-14-2008, 12:11 PM   #7
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I took my grandpa to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My grandpa kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?!" Knowing my Grandpa, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Old 12-14-2008, 12:17 PM   #8
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The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to te ll them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'
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Old 12-14-2008, 10:59 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Redwood View Post
This one?


Must be a pumper thing
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